


Farewell Steven, We Barely Knew Yee

by InsominiacArrest



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Funny, Gen, Humor, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5322059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsominiacArrest/pseuds/InsominiacArrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steven is sick, Peridot is his unfortunate caretaker and no one has any idea what bedside manner is.</p><p>It's sort of a funny story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Farewell Steven, We Barely Knew Yee

Prompt: Steven gets sick with a cold while all the gems are out besides, and Peridot is absolutely losing her mind about even, even though it's nothing serious at all. Drastic measures must be taken.

For [http://kinkynokyoukai.tumblr.com](http://kinkynokyoukai.tumblr.com/), (I am so sorry this is late!)

 

This was the worst possible thing to happen since the worst possible event of your life occurred. ie coming coming to earth and now this.

  
Steven sneezes.

Your eyes go wide, hands shaking, you touch his forehead tentatively.

“You are far too warm.” You inform Steven in horror.

“Yeah,” he coughs, “I think I’m coming down with a cold.”

Coming down...? You prepare yourself for the worst. Namely, having to write Steven’s death certificate, starting off with, ‘he was an abomination.’ But end, of course, with ‘he was a useful crime against nature. Amen.'

“And this ‘cold’,” You put it in finger rabbits, “it involves heating up?”

“Yeah. You get really hot, like up to a hundred degrees sometimes.”

You blink several times and back up a few paces, that sounded like a high number, “how long until your entire body burns up and we must fling you into the arctic to save ourselves from said inferno?”

“Uh,” Steven’s eyes darted around and wonder if he is even cognitive right now.

“Steven!” You yell, “stay with me. When must we dispose of your self-combusting body?”

“No, no, Peridot,” He chuckles stiffly, “it’s just a cold… where you're uh immune system and germs, oh gee, I should get my dad to explain this.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Don’t you guys have doctors on homeworld? That you need to use?”

He wraps a blanket around himself tighter and you tap your chin, “yes. We have doctors. But I don’t see how dissecting you and using your body parts for new machinery will help right now.”  
  
He laughs disjointedly again, “right. Homeworld. You guys sure are...something else.”  
  
“Indeed.” You nod curtly, “so, this cold, which you call it despite you being very warm and decaying, is it normal for humans?”  
  


“Yes!” He exclaims, exhaling deeply, “I just need some sleep and maybe some medicine. And I’ll be fine.” He smiles weakly and then sneezes again, you jump.

“Alright.” You agree with the clearly delusional dying specimen spewing liquid out of his sniff nozzle. “How would we obtain this medicine? And may I remind you I am no state to fight my through anything right now. Though I suppose if it stops you from incinerating…”

“The store!” He cheers. “Just, maybe, leave the house, and get to a store?” He offers with a small smile.

“So…” You posit slowly, “What is a store and how does it reverse the process of self-combustion?”

Steven smacks his own forehead with the palm of his hand. He was clearly losing control of his motor functions.

“Steven?” You question, raising a hand, ready to slap him into consciousness.

“That was one way to describe it, but here…” He reaches over to a pad of paper and a pen on the center table, his tongue sticking out as he concentrates, “I’ll write you a list of instructions. And then you can leave. And, uh, I mean follow them.”

You nod, “of course.” You puff out your chest, “I was number one in my class in following orders without question.”

Steven lifts an eyebrow up, “right…” He continues writing and you consider what would happen if the crystal gems returned and Steven was, well, a pile of ash. Nothing good.

Time was of the essence.

“What else stops a cold?” You ask as he finishes.

“Well,” he holds up a couple fingers as he talks, “blankets, rest, water, TV,” he laughs at the last one.

You nod and get up to collect all the blankets in the house, “wait, Peridot.” Steven looks at you quizzically as you approach.

“This is for your own good.”

"Agh!" He struggles as you wrestle him into five different layers of material, “these will protect you from any more immune systems.” You parrot his words as you wrap his warms to his side and cover him with blankets.

“No! Making Steven into a burrito is not going to- blrrg.” You stuff his face in a water dish you found.

“Drink.”

He starts hacking and sneezing. “Peridot!” He whines.

“I’ll be back Steven!” You yell over your shoulder, “don’t lose all of your internal fluids before then.”  
  
“Wait! Unwrap me, or at least turn on the TV.”

You head out the door and follow a crude drawing of a map down to a convenience store. You try to make out more of the primitive language on the paper but get frustrated.

“Steven doesn’t have time for this!” You shove the paper in your waistband and stride up to the counter.

“I need medicine!” You declare to the lower life form before you.

“Um, okay,” The clerk says slowly, “what type?” You look up at the counter, a sniffling pubescent creature looks down at you.

“The medicine type. For a cold.” You bark.

“What are the symptoms lady?”

“He is turning to hot soup in his human meat skin and leaking bodily fluids from orifices.”

The clerk looks at you blankly, “ummm...okay." He looks at the camera's for a moment, you tap your foot, "nyquil?” He says in a high pitched timber.

“Thank you.” You accept the strange teens response, “and where would that be?”

“Aisle two. Blue bottles.” He says in relief.

“Excellent. I’ll take of all of it.”

“Uh, okay.” He says dumbly, “go get it I guess.”

You go to aisle two and place every single one of the blue bottles labelled ‘nyquil’ into a handy side basket.

“Thank you. You have helped generously with saving this wretched festering organic based-planet by saving one of its few redeeming citizens, ectera, ectera.” Steven would be proud of your people skills you decide as you move to leave.

“So, erm, you have money for those?” He looks you up and down.

“I’m leaving.” You declare.

“Lady they do not pay me enough for this, but I’m gonna have to stop you.” The clanging of the store bell resounds as you open the shop door. “I’m calling the cops!”

“What?” You pause.

“You’ll get in trouble.” Aw, they were trying to thwart any attempts save a fellow life form that might compete with them for resources, understandable. 

“Do your worst!” You sneer at him and then insult the teen handily, he makes a contorted face and feel a glimmer of pity. Carbon based life was so… full of pustules apparently.

You troupe out into the bright sunlight and proudly balance the goods in your arms.

You are only stopped once by noisy flashing lights and men claiming to enforce rules of not ‘taking 22 bottles of nyquil from a corner shop and calling a clerk a “clodding waste of atoms giving you a transferable version of stupid by hoarding all the idiot to himself and then exhaling.’’

You manage to kick one of the soldiers in between their legs and send him sprawling. You’re really stronger than you thought.

“Neheheh!” You run away gleefully, victory at hand.

You make your back to the temple in one piece, though leaving several people looking for you in your wake.

“Steven!” You sing as you walk through the door, “guess what?”  
  
“Unwrap me!”

“No, not that. I’m going to save you from a fiery death. Not that I’m not prepared for it either way but-”

“I have to pee.”

Peridot blinks quickly and then looked around, “is that another symptom?”

Steven whimpered and you unwrap him as to pour 22 bottles of blue liquid on him.

“You're gonna get my pajamas sticky,” he pushes your face away as your pour the first bottle on him, “Peridot, that’s not how you-hey!”

Second bottle complete.

“I need to drink them.” He insists as he pushes away your hands. “Why did you get so many? The instructions said one.”

“You feel hotter than before.” You say as you touch his head. “You’ll need to bathe in this to cool down.”

“I was wrapped in five different blankets.” He explains slowly.

“ _Oh stars_. Initiating protocol level delta-” You pick him up, he’s very sticky, but before you can fling Steven into the arctic to save yourself, the worp pad sounds.

“Steven, we’re home!” Pearl announces.

“Oh thank God.”

“Crystal gems! Come help me hold him down and pour this medicine on him.”

“What?” Amethyst snorts as more nyquil is uselessly spilled on the floor.

“I just have a cold.” He whimpers.

Pearl blinks at them slowly, even Garnet shrugs her shoulders. “What’s a cold?”

There is a dead pause and Steven’s face goes slack.  
  


“AAAAA,” he proceeds to scream wordlessly up into the ceiling, you let him go.

“No need to overreact.” You respond placidly.

 **  
** He hits his forehead with his palm.

 

epilogue:

You later tuck Steven in to a bed with _one_ blanket and read him a bed time story to make up for getting the cops called on them.

You go on to read several pamphlets on 'germs' and 'sickness....' You layer the house in hand sanitizer and tell strangers to stay away, Steven at least had fun slipping around on the goop and Pearl is not happy. That's always a plus.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Steven.
> 
> insomniac-arrest.tumblr.com is my tumblr


End file.
